Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
