I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
