So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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