it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
