I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
