Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
