yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
ok first of all what the fuck
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
