he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
