My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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