is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
My cat gives me a boner
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
