i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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