There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
