Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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