Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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