and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
