Who did Billy Mays play for?
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
