the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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