apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
