I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I FOUND THE LEGS
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
