I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
