wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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