dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
