Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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