Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
