The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I wish i was in the wii world.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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