I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
