You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
