My liver just broke up with me...
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
