Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
