Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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