I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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