I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
