I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
