I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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