this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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