if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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