I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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