Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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