I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
