My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Randomize
