I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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