Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
