Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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