im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
