just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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