Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I AM VODKA MAN
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
