The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
