Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
