My friends, they love my intelligence
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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