I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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